


maybe, just maybe i'll come home

by settledthesun



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/F, Firsts and Lasts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4905295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/settledthesun/pseuds/settledthesun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'The first time Danny Lawrence takes a breath, a real, gasping lungful of air, she’s being passed from the nurse to her mother, who is tired and panting and drenched in sweat, but so, so happy.Her parents peer down at her, a tiny bundle of flailing fists as she cries and wails (something she makes a point not to do much of later in life) until the time comes where she eventually falls asleep, young and soft.</p><p>The last time Danny takes a breath, she twenty one and tired and bloody.'</p><p>or</p><p>Danny Lawrence's firsts and lasts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe, just maybe i'll come home

**Author's Note:**

> i'm devastated. everything hurts.
> 
> listen to this whilst you read if you feel the need for even more pain: http://8tracks.com/rachedie/i-m-not-scared

_i._

 

The first time Danny Lawrence takes a breath, a real, gasping lungful of air, she’s being passed from the nurse to her mother, who is tired and panting and drenched in sweat, but so, so happy.

Her parents peer down at her, a tiny bundle of flailing fists as she cries and wails (something she makes a point not to do much of later in life) until the time comes where she eventually falls asleep, young and new and soft.

Her parents only look away to smile at one another, before turning back to their daughter; to their Danny.

 

 

The last time Danny takes a breath, she twenty one and tired and bloody.

 

 

 

_ii._

 

The first time Danny remembers bleeding, she’s four years old, and clutching her leg after tripping over the sidewalk outside her house.

The skin over her knee is all torn and she grits her teeth in an attempt to supress the pain. Blood trickles down her shin and she watches as a few stray drops fall onto the concrete, turning the dark grey black.

With a hiss of pain, she pushes up with her grazed palms and gets back up.

She takes a deep breath and walks away.

 

 

The last time Danny bleeds, she can’t see it.

She feels the blade pierce her skin, feels Theo’s hot breath on the back of her neck, but she can’t see the blood she knows is quickly spreading, staining the back of her white T-shirt.

A few seconds later, she falls.

This time, she doesn’t get back up.

 

 

 

_iii._

 

Danny doesn’t remember her first birthday, but she’s been shown the family photo album enough times by her mom that sometimes she thinks maybe she does.

In the photos, baby Danny is passed among family members and friends, a little blue party hat threatening to fall off her head and tiny hands playing with torn up wrapping paper.

Her mom used to tell her that it was one of the best days of her life.

‘Even though you were only a baby,’ she would say, ‘we all knew you were something special.’

 

 

Danny’s last birthday is her twenty first.

Being born in October, her birthday was always relatively early on in the semester. She finds a flimsily wrapped parcel outside her room, containing a new quiver, and she sends a thankful nod to Mel at breakfast, who acts as if she doesn’t know anything about it.

She gets a text to drop by Laura’s room in the afternoon, and walks in to find Laura and LaF arguing over balloons. Danny tries not to laugh as she looks around the shoddily decorated room; a few balloons floating half-heartedly and a cake that says ‘Happy Bday Danny!!!!!!’

Laura yells ‘surprise!’ when she notices Danny, almost falling over a pile of books in the process before Danny catches her by the arm, righting her and grinning down at her.

‘You did this for me?’

‘Yeah, I even helped with the cake!’ Laura says excitedly.

‘If by ‘helped’ you mean ate spoonfuls of batter whenever my back was turned, and going tremendously overboard with the exclamation points, then yes, you were very helpful,’ Perry says with a scoff.

‘Make a wish,’ Laura says, ignoring Perry’s protest, and LaF’s questionable enthusiasm with the matches as they light the few candles scattered across the top of the cake.

Laura’s gripping Danny’s arm, hopping up and down excitedly, and Danny gives her hand a squeeze before closing her eyes and blowing out the candles.

Later, when LaF and Perry have left, it’s just Danny and Laura sitting on the floor, facing each other and both on their third slice of cake. Danny smiles at Laura, who is eyeing the cake, internally debating the pros and cons of a fourth slice. On the floor beside her is Laura’s gift, a framed photograph they’d taken of themselves a couple of weeks earlier. Laura is grinning goofily at the camera, eyes bright, whilst Danny’s attention is on Laura, as if the camera wasn’t even there.

Danny smiles and says ‘I think this might be my best birthday yet.’

 

 

 

_iv._

 

The first time Danny says goodbye (a proper goodbye) to her family, she’s standing at the terminal, waiting to board her plane to Austria.

She crouches down to envelop Dylan and Sophie in a tight hug, and she decides she’s doing a pretty good job of holding back tears.

‘Now, are you two gonna manage without your big sis around?’ she asks, reaching out to ruffle their hair.

Dylan gives an exaggerated scoff. ‘Duh, we’re ten, we’re practically adults.’

‘I guess you’re right,’ Danny laughs.

‘But-,’ Dylan starts. ‘I guess if you wanted to come back earlier that would be okay too.’

‘Okay, buddy. I’ll keep that in mind.’

‘Promise you’ll write,’ Sophie says, picking at her sleeve, eyes wet with unshed tears.

‘Of course I will,’ Danny promises. ‘That’s our thing.’

The last reminder for passengers to board the plane calls overhead, and Danny wraps her mother in a tight hug.

‘If you need anything,’ her mom whispers into her hair, ‘anything at all, you just call. You hear me? We’re family.’

Danny pulls away and her throat goes thick as her mother pushes her hair behind her ear like she has for as long as Danny can remember.

‘I love you guys,’ she says, ‘I’ll call once I’m settled.’

She calls a few days later, telling her mom all about the cool clubs and her favourite courses, and she listens as Dylan and Sophie bicker over who gets to tell Danny about their day first.

She shifts to rest her phone between her ear and shoulder as she rummages in her bag, laughing at her brother and sister, and decides maybe being so far away won’t be all that tough after all.

 

 

The last time she says goodbye to her family, she puts all of her effort into sounding like everything’s fine; like the campus isn’t about to go to Hell.

She’s listening to her mom complain about their neighbour, a topic she’s all too used to, and making noises of encouragement as she restrings her bow.

‘You know how he is, Ma, just ignore him.’

‘Yes, well, he’s still annoying as hell.’

‘Language, mother,’ Danny says in a scandalised voice.

‘Don’t be a smartass, Danielle Lawrence.’

Danny laughs, taking comfort in her mother’s voice. Even if she can’t tell her anything that’s going on, just feeling close to her helps.

‘Are the twins around?’

‘They’re at tennis practise, which would explain the general lack of unorganised chaos in the background.’

‘Oh, okay.’

‘Is something wrong?’ her mother asks.

Danny hesitates for a second. ‘No, nothing’s wrong. Just-, um. Will you tell them I miss them? And that I’m looking forward to coming home and kicking their butts at scrabble.’

‘You’re a Literature major, it still seems cruel to make them play against you.’

‘You’re just bitter because I always beat you too.’

‘Maybe.’

Danny hears the doorbell go on the other side of the phone, and her mom calls, ‘one second’ before turning her attention back to Danny.

‘Sorry, honey, I’ve got to go. Call again soon, will you?’

‘Yeah,’ Danny says, the words getting caught in her throat. ‘Of course.’

‘Alright, I’ll speak to you soon.’

‘Hey, Ma?’

‘Yes, honey?’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, Danny.’ There’s a pause. She always could tell when something wasn’t quite right with her children. ‘You’re wonderful, you know that? Don’t ever forget that.’

‘Okay, mom.’

‘Bye, sweetheart.’

‘Goodbye, mom.’

She hangs up.

 

 

 

_v._

 

The first girl Danny ever loves is called Anika.

She has dark hair and dark skin and the first time she catches sight of her in chemistry class, everything changes.

They get partnered up together on a project, and the more time they spend together, the more Danny falls. One night Danny walks her home from the coffee-shop they had spent the evening at, and kisses her on her porch.

There are ‘I love you’s’ and handholding and seventeen year old Danny having her shirt pulled over her head by a girl she loves, before kissing her fiercely and letting herself _feel_.

They break up the summer before college. It’s bittersweet, but Danny was going abroad whilst Anika stayed in Canada, and they decided it just wasn’t worth the inevitable heartache.

Danny still thinks about her sometimes.

 

 

The last girl Danny ever loves is called Laura.

When she goes tumbling down the rabbit hole, Danny throws herself in headfirst after her.

Danny follows Laura into a world of magic and horror and danger, but she can never bring herself to walk away.

She can’t do it because staying and fighting is the right thing to do, and Laura is so achingly lovely that Danny reads sonnets and poems and stories for her classes, and the pages might as well be filled with Laura.

When they kiss one night, in the low light of Laura’s desk lamp, Danny knows for sure, whatever happens, she will follow Laura Hollis anywhere.

 

 

 

_vi._

 

The first time Danny sees Laura, she’s on the third row of the Nineteenth Century Literature class she’s the TA for.

Danny doesn’t notice her right away, but when this small, at first seemingly timid girl, raises her hand and demands to know why there aren’t more female writers on the course, Danny has to do her best to disguise her laugh as a cough, ignoring the glare the professor sends her way.

Danny shoots her a smile after, and she’s pretty sure she catches the girl’s cheeks turn pink, before she returns to furiously taking notes.

Once the class ends and Danny’s shoved her books into her bag, she looks up to find the girl struggling to do the same. She goes over to offer a hand, and almost gets knocked out by a book that goes flying out of the girl’s grip in her surprise.

Danny manages to catch it, handing it over with a smile.

‘Hi.’

‘Oh, um, hello. Sorry about that. I don’t normally throw books at people.’

‘I would hope not, that would be a crime. To the book, I mean.’

The girl laughs, and Danny helps her force the few remaining books into her bag (she doesn’t fail to notice the multiple feminist, queer and-, yup, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ badges pinned onto it).

‘So, you’re the TA?’

‘Yup. I’m Danny.’

‘Laura. I’m Laura.’

‘It’s nice to meet you, Laura,’ Danny says with an easy grin.

They walk out of the classroom together, Danny asking Laura how she was finding Silas and her courses, and invites her to coffee when she finds out she’s done for the day.

‘In case you have any questions about the course,’ she clarifies.

‘Oh, right, yeah, that would be great, I already feel like I’m drowning in work.’

‘College will do that to you,’ Danny says, pushing the door to the Artemis Café open for Laura to pass through.

Danny insists on paying for them whilst Laura grabs a table (‘consider it a ‘welcome to Silas’ coffee’) and grabs a slice of cherry pie to split at the last second. Laura seems as if she might have a sweet tooth.

An hour and a half later, they’re both smiling widely, sharing stories of life back home (it turns out Laura’s Canadian too) and Danny can’t even try to conceal the bright grin that covers her face when Laura tells her she’s so glad she’s managed to make a friend so early on.

Danny finds herself hoping that maybe this – her, Laura, the occasional slice of pie on a Wednesday afternoon – might one day become a regular thing.

 

 

The last time Danny sees Laura, she’s bleeding and Laura’s bleeding and Danny knows this is it.

Maybe it was always going to end like this.

Maybe Danny’s life was always meant to be a Tragedy. Perhaps she was always going to go down like this; to go down fighting (sure, the backstabbing wasn’t necessarily how she wanted to go, but the broken ribs show she put up a fight until the end.) Maybe she was always going to go like this, bleeding out in the arms of the girl she loves.

‘Danny, no. No, Danny.’

And god, she’s never been able to deny Laura anything. But this time she doesn’t have a choice.

‘It was worth it,’ she gasps.

And she wants to say so much more. She wants to tell Laura that she loves her, she loves her so much. She wants to tell her to tell her family she loves them, and that they’ll be okay without her. She wants to tell the whole world that she lived – even if it had to end so soon – she fucking lived.

But breathing is getting really difficult and she can’t feel anything below her chest and Laura looks so, so broken.

So instead, she says:

‘I’m not scared.’

Laura, oh Laura.

‘I’m not scared.’

Danny lived, she really lived.

She never gave up.

‘I’m not-.’

**Author's Note:**

> everything still hurts.
> 
> title taken from ben howard's 'promise'


End file.
